Shadows

I remember when I learnt to not be afraid of the dark. I was a very grown up person at the time, with a frightened little girl within, who often showed up and ran the show. With two of my babies left at home and Mr Jaybird, we lived in an old bus on a 5 acre block of land, while we owner-built a house. Gee, those were the times. Those busy, crazy times.

Before we moved out to this block of land situated on the bank of a River (our dream live-there-forever property), we had the concrete House Pad completed, with a fully working toilet sitting there all by itself. Mr Jaybird had placed a dunny shed to sit over the toilet for privacy’s sake. Funny the things we forget, hey? It’s funnier doing the remembering! Anyway, I digress.

I had to walk a few hundred metres to get to the toilet at night. It was dark out there, I had no torch, I’d be freaking out and I’d bolt over to the loo. I don’t know why it happened then, but I must have been ready to overcome, cos it’s totally about being ready, isn’t it?

One night, as I stood out in the middle of the paddock under an amazing sky and a big, big moon, a new understanding arrived. I could call it a ’spiritual awakening’. I could see everything as if it were daylight. I heard myself say ‘night is exactly like the day time, nothing has changed from how it was this afternoon. Just the sun has gone, that is all. When it returns tomorrow, it will be exactly as it is tonight’, And that was it! I was free! It was one of those defining moments for me. So simple. So clear. So good. The toilet trips were never the same after that.

Now that the little girl is not ruling the roost so much (because I made friends with her), I’m able to look at the dark parts of myself too. I can see in. I can speak to them, just like I did that night in the paddock. I can ask them if they want to come into the light. Some of them belong to me. Some came to me, through me, through my family line, generations ago. Some are not ready to appear yet. Some of them helped me to survive a traumatic childhood and they continue to do so. Some of them are so painful that I need professional help to reach down to release them.

I completed this painting a couple of years ago in an online class. The topic was ‘inner child’ and this is what came up. As an intuitive painter, I often don’t understand my paintings, and I don’t feel a need to either. The knowing comes and arrives when it wants to. So today, reflecting about this, this painting sang out to me. I understand it so much more now. My own shadow work. My individuation. My becoming. And possibly even my flowering.

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